I had kind of an interesting photograph of shadows, that I took in high school– the shadows of some of my fellow photography students and myself, as we were out on a field trip looking for cool things to shoot. Not sure whatever happened to it, so you’ll have to settle for this very lovely shadow photo I sourced on Pexels, instead.
Last night, somewhere around midnight, I had found some journaling prompts on Pinterest. They elude me now, BUT I found a much more thought-provoking series of questions to consider. My initial thought was to tackle them one by one, with one question per post, but that seems less meaningful than a soulful dive into the whole series.
So this will be a rather lengthy post. Feel free to skim or skip if it’s not of interest. This one is mostly just for me, though I am skimping on specifics in some regards, to protect privacy, both mine and that of other people.
If you do feel up to reading, I’ve at least made an effort to mix it up with some fun public domain photos, and YouTube content. And a graphic I made through the Canva website. Enjoy!
The questions were shared by Roses & Echoes.
They offer 7 questions, which delve a bit deeper the further you progress.
But let us start at the beginning:
- Pattern Recognition: Identify recurring behaviors where you’ve sabotaged yourself. What patterns do you notice?
This is actually something my daughter pointed out as we were chatting via text.
I tend to be very quick to cut ties professionally, personally, socially, romantically, without giving issues a chance to work out or without actively trying to work them out. Like I just give up. That’s probably connected to why whenever someone tells me about relationship issues, my knee-jerk reaction is “Why are you still with them?”
Some endings are definitely good and positive, but maybe it’s better to go through all the steps regardless, and work through snarls before calling it quits.
Of course, NONE of that applies to abusive situations, excepting to the extent that you take time for yourself to process your own feelings apart from them/the situation in order to heal. But that’s just my take on my experience.
I could go into specific examples, but I hesitate to get too detailed about my more recent personal life and work history online.
But there have been things people have said or done that I was just, like, NOPE, that’s it, they are cancelled from my life.
Trying to do that less, so I can hold onto more friendships, and just generally handle things in a healthier way.
Before question two, let’s consider how this functions as self-sabotage.
Maybe some things are worth talking over and working through. Maybe not everything needs to be an apocalypse. That sounds incredibly dramatic, but these moments FEEL that dramatic in my head.
Also, I think the underlying motivations trace back to unmet needs and unhealed wounds, and repeating the action of just leaving doesn’t address these issues at all. But that’s a later question.
Did I ever mention one of my favorite songs by The Doors is “Love Her Madly?” I hard relate, from both sides of the equation. I’ve also been drawn to people who come and go with the wind, likely as the flip side of this behavior, because it feels familiar and therefore safer. Here’s the song, just for funsies. Moving on to question two.
- Fear Analysis: Explore the fears triggering your self-sabotage. What are their roots?
This one requires some deeper thought. It seems like a defense mechanism at play, leaving before I can get hurt further. At the same time, I think it’s a way to avoid deepening emotional intimacy and connection, and commitment.
That may feel like a weird statement about professional relationships, but I think it still holds. Emotions come into play at work and at school. I don’t mean romantically, but whether or not you feel respected, etc.
I’m notoriously commitment shy and avoid it either by staying safely on the outskirts of groups and convincing myself I am an eternal outsider/misfit/rebel nonconformist, or by attaching to people incapable of attaching back.
I suppose all the energy I funnel into celebrity crushes or obsessions with fictional characters could be an extension of this, as well, but at least that’s projecting toward someone/something outside of the sphere of my life.
That seems at least less likely to have immediate negative consequences, apart from the reality that all that energy could be used more effectively connecting to people actually around me. Versus staying up past midnight to hold a solitary vigil of sorts, writing poetry and listening to music, on the eve of the date marking the anniversaries of a couple of my favorite musicians having passed away. And that’s just a recent example. Is that an unhealthy thing to do? Maybe. I suppose I could always be sleeping. HA!
Just to get to show it to you, here’s a very late night graphic I made for a playlist that is in essence my effort to romance a famous goth artist from the other side of the veil. And because I feel like all this text needs some breaking up.
My boundaries also get a little slippy at times, between crushing and friendship. I have a hard time differentiating sometimes what’s intended as just an emotional gesture versus a seductive one and conversely will attribute emotional connection to physical acts when it’s not warranted by the reality of the situation.
That’s been less of a problem lately since I have steered pretty clear of any kind of romantic activity, with one exception, though that seems to have fizzled. And that’s all I will say about that.
Staying locked in a fantasy world is my comfort zone. Not that I’m never adventurous in real life. I definitely can be. But in how many of those encounters do the other people involved see the authentic me? I would wager not many, both due to a lack of sincere interest and me insulating myself, by throwing down a whole gauntlet of trust issues that must first be overcome.
But the question, looking back, was what are the ROOTS of these fears?
It seems really cliché to point to childhood, but I think accurate nonetheless. And adolescence. That whole shebang. Familial love felt very unstable, conditional. Eggshells. I still keep a great deal of my lived experience from them, because it doesn’t feel safe to get that close.
Teen-me discovered some found family, though we don’t talk like we used to at this point, unfortunately. The links there have been reduced to social media follows and little else. But I have discovered newer peeps, and have a ride-or-die bestie now.
- Inner Critic Check: Listen to your inner dialogue during self-sabotage. What is your inner critic saying?
I touched on this a little, but the last time I wanted to jump ship from a group of potential connections, here’s what ran through my mind: I’m a misfit here. I don’t fit in. There’s no place for me.
Actually, one night, I had an intrusive thought that took that one step further, into “There’s no place for me in this world” or something like that. Serious depressive vibes. Major unresolved-adolescence, apocalyptic, end-of-your-world kind of feelings.
That’s actually what inspired the title “No Place in this World” for the chapbook I am hoping to put together and publish, as well as the VERY angsty playlist I created first. And at some point, that touched on a happy reminiscence of how much I love the movie The Doom Generation, with a very similar line of dialogue. I think it’s “There’s just no place for us in this world.”
I’ve been working on feelings of abandonment lately, associated with lots of losses, of varying degrees of impact, having come to the conclusion that kiddo moving so far away started a bit of a domino effect and resurfaced lots of old issues. Not at all her fault, but I’m trying to work on it to make myself a healthier, happier human and to improve that relationship.
Moving on.
- Comfort Zone Impact: How does staying in your comfort zone contribute to self-sabotage?
I don’t learn anything new about myself or about other people by staying locked up in my head, or just relating to the same people over and over again whom I’ve already vetted. To say nothing about not learning anything new about life.
Maybe you can gain parallel experience from fiction, poetry, music, etc., that grants you a deeper empathy and understanding for your fellow humans. All the same, it feels like I’m stuck in the groove of the same track.
Journeys not taken, loves remaining unknown. In fact, I have a few messages I’ve not responded to, but I’m not sure what to make of those developments. That’s a whole other thing, though. I have my doubts about the long-term effectiveness of online dating as a vehicle for finding love.
There’s also a friend I’ve been meaning to check in with and only remember when it’s super late at night. That, I could definitely follow up on tomorrow, or later today (it’s already tomorrow by this point… burning the midnight oil… though I will wisely schedule this post for later on).
But yes, there is more to living than reflection upon the page, and building lengthy playlists, and reading, no matter how fulfilling these things may feel. I’d like to be out in the world more. I at least did some reading at the public library today. Baby steps?
- Unresolved Emotions: Address past emotions or traumas influencing self-sabotage.
At one point, when I was first starting therapy, I had this image in my head of traveling door-to-door looking for “the administrator of the ‘kapow.’” It just seemed to be a recurring motif in my life. The being hurt emotionally.
My therapist eventually said she thought I would no longer need to create (or recreate) trauma, since we get stuck in these loops and try to change the outcome by repeating the pattern, or else just stick with the pattern for the perceived safety of the familiar.
Maybe I reached that stage, but I still had a lot of rather combustible romantic relationships. Hot and cold, with a great deal of variance from one extreme to the other. Not really all short-lived, but on-and-off at best. Which I suppose is its own kind of “kapow.” Like fireworks sparking so brilliantly they dazzle your eyes with afterimages, the explosions reverberating through your whole body, leaving you disoriented as they fizzle and fade, nothing remaining but lingering smoke.
Again, I could get into more specifics. This or that person or incident. But this isn’t the vehicle for that, I don’t think. This post is meant as an organizing start for deeper conversations to be had offline, and maybe some journaling. And a little bit maybe also because I think it feels good to share this sort of thing, to the degree that you’re comfortable.
- Permission to Succeed: Have you given yourself permission to succeed? Any blocks preventing it?
Imposter Syndrome, insecurities. What if I’m not really creatively talented? Yes, I have room for learning more about art and creative writing, but what if I secretly suck at it, and no one has told me up until now?
What would happen if I did succeed? I suppose I would have to expand my comfort zone, and let more people into my world, both on a practical level, in social and professional settings, and in sharing myself via my creative projects, to a wider audience. That’s pretty scary.
I’d also have to open myself up to myself to keep delving for creative material. Art is fulfilling but also requires energy, commitment, etc.
I might have to redefine myself, because you can’t be the eternal misfit with no place for you in this world, if you’re successful at life on your own terms, and people appreciate your creations and YOU as an extension of them (and them as an extension of you). Maybe I would still struggle with those feelings, but they would be challenged. There would be conflict. Or so I imagine. Who are you once you’re no longer who you thought you were?
Supposedly we are not our thoughts or our feelings, but I have a great deal of attachment invested in both. I struggle with that, too.
- Positive Intentions: Explore the positive intentions behind self-sabotaging behaviors. How did they initially serve you?
I think the biggest factor is safety. I don’t know that I ever finished growing up on the inside, in a lot of ways. Maybe that’s true for a lot of people. The whole ass world is a scary thing for an inner child.
Ironically, some of this self-sabotage drove me toward unsafe situations and toxic patterns of interaction, like ingenuous communication and manipulation, etc. But that was what felt safe at the time.
I’m still afraid that if I try to connect now, all that will resurface. Not even trying, however, ensures its own kind of perfect failure, and perpetuates isolation.
I don’t do well when isolated. The shutdown undid me. I know I’m not alone there. So it should be a given that isolating to any degree (less taking breaks for a healthy amount of “me time”) isn’t wise. I still do it anyway, especially when I’m feeling down. Which makes me feel worse.
It’s protective armor, that ultimately weighs you down and suffocates you. Hopefully, I’m becoming strong enough to begin to dismantle it and function without it, maybe just employing it selectively when needed.
I don’t think my forms of self-sabotage are necessarily always inherently bad. Sometimes, you need to protect yourself, or end a relationship. It’s just the degree and the frequency that isn’t balanced. I overprotect, and I end things at times before seeing how they might play out in the fullness of time.
That could also be the product of some underdeveloped emotional skills. It sounds like something a kid would do. Stomping out of the sandbox.
I’ll definitely think about all of this some more. Apologies if the answers to the questions got progressively shorter. Sleep beckons. LOL.
In closing… what am I grateful for out of all of this?
Closing Gratitudes:
First, I’m grateful for Pinterest, both for some amazing phone wallpaper images, unpictured here but nonetheless enjoyed, and also for insightful exercises like this one.
Second, I’m grateful for all the art of every medium (including the written word) passed down over the years, and everything remaining of those artists no longer among us. It’s been a great source of comfort, helping me feel less alone, throughout everything, ever since I first started creating, and reading, and enjoying music, film, etc.
Third, I’m grateful for nearly all of my relationship experiences. There are some I wish I could go back and skip, but by and large, I’m contented. Hopefully, I find the courage within myself to go forth and have some more.
Also grateful to y’all, and my friends and family, and my daughter, and my care team. Thank you for reading, if you did. I know this might be a bit far afield, even for me. All the same, I wanted to answer something a little deeper. And anyway, we have the pasta post for brevity and variety.
Speaking of, if I actually make any mostaccioli in the future, you’ll be among the first to know. Wishing you all well. Good night and good morning.
All the Bright and Sparkly Things 
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